ponderables
Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an a retard.
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don't have film.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Give me ambiguity, or give me something else.
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
At a nude wedding everybody can see who the best man is.
Black holes are where God is dividing by zero.
A book is like a leg, only it doesn't bleed as much if you stab it.
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cats.
Whatever look you were going for, you missed.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Okay, Okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
A British Man, a French man, and an American man are on a safari in Africa, and they are
taken prisoner by a savage group of villagers. As they're being brought to the village, they are told that death is their only option, however, they each have their
choice of the method they will use to kill themselves.
The British man requests a pistol, and cries out "Long live the queen!" as he blows his brains out. The two others
watch in horror as the savages flayed the man and made his skin into a canoe. The French man was next, and he requested a Saber. "Vive le France" was what he cried out as
he disemboweled himself. The American guy watched again what they did with his body, as they made his skin into a canoe. The only guy left, the American requests a fork
in which to kill himself. As soon as it was handed to him, he started stabbing himself violently as he screamed
"So much for your fucking canoe!"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the
Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka
next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he
got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office
after mass, he found the following note on the door:
Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as "the late J.C."
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.
When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife
decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with
her to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in
the sermon where he shouted out, "And who created all there is in
six days and rested on the seventh," she poked her
husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God almighty!"
The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon. The
man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again.
When the minister got to, "And who died on the cross to save us from our sins?"
the wife hit him again, and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!" The minister said,
"That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to,
"And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?"
the wife started to poke the husband again, but he
jumped up and said, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off!"
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....The other
is used to carry groceries.
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God
doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
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